Happy 2015! Regular readers may have noticed that the blog has a whole new look. While I enjoyed the simplicity of the old layout, the new format will make it easier to search for previous posts.
Along the left side of the screen you will now see a list of the most recent posts, an archive by month, and a list of categories. So if you know you’re looking for one of my wine posts, just click on “Wine” in the categories list and you’ll see all my wine-related posts.
Lest anyone think there will be too much change for 2015, rest assured I will still bring the snark. I thought I would kick things off this year with a little grab bag of Signs of the Apocalypse. I filed these away in my WTF? folder some time ago.
The Denim Jumpsuit
For reasons unknown, I’ve started receiving the Sundance catalog. I’ve never purchased anything from it because the clothes are overpriced and a little too “hippie goes glamping” for my taste. (For those who don’t know, “glamping” is “glamorous camping.” Yes, that’s a thing.)
But in the most recent catalog I saw something that was just so over-the-top ridiculous, I had to save it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: the Denim Jumpsuit.
Unless you are an auto mechanic or a member of Devo, there’s just no reason to ever, ever wear a jumpsuit. Ever.
And if you are, in fact, an auto mechanic, I doubt you will be inclined to drop $248 on something that will be covered in grease after you slide under cars all day. Yes, two hundred and forty-eight dollars. For this.
The catalog description for this crime against fashion is priceless. “The perfect foundation for a bold, yet effortless look. [It’s bold alright.] Driftwood’s denim jumpsuit features diagonal zippers and snaps. [Does this somehow make one forget the fact that it is a hideous garment?] Gathered at waist for a feminine fit. [Please tell me this was meant as a joke. This might be the least feminine piece of clothing anyone has ever worn in the history of fabric.]”
This is the kind of monstrosity costumer Patricia Field would have chosen for Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City–that is to say, something beyond ridiculous and unrealistic for a normal human being to wear.
The $10,000 Grill
Okay, fine, it’s really *only* $9,500. This grill by Caliber was featured in Food & Wine‘s Trendspotting section in June. It caught my eye because it’s beautiful–the red color and the striking wood legs and platform are really unusual. But then I saw the price tag and almost choked.
The defining feature of this grill, and the reason F&W was promoting it, is the “disappearing hood.” It makes the grill like an outdoor kitchen island that allows people to circulate around it. Caliber markets it as “the world’s first social grill,” which I think is a bit much. It’s not like the grillmaster was previously confined to his own space away from the party, but whatever.
The grill was designed by an architect, and I’ll grant you, having a grill hood that slides into a recess and hides from view is pretty cool. But $9,500 cool? I don’t think so. For $9,500, the thing better come with a chef to cook the food for me and a maid to clean it up.
And also, WHY IS YOUR BOTTLE OF WINE PERCHED ON THE EDGE OF YOUR GRILL?? It’s way too close to the heat source; you’re going to ruin it, if you don’t knock it off first. Sheesh.
The Automatic Foundation Applicator
Falling into the “how lazy can you be?” category, we have the Automatic Foundation Applicator by Color Me. According to the Ulta catalog, its “pulsating applicator mimics finger tapping.” You know what else mimics finger tapping? Finger tapping!
Unless you’ve been maimed in a horrible accident, we all have the ideal foundation applicator literally at our fingertips. There is no better way to apply foundation than your own fingers. Not sponges, not brushes, and not $54 automatic foundation applicators.
I almost made an exception for professional makeup artists, because they generally don’t want to put their fingers all over their clients’ faces. But I can’t even allow that. The sponge on this thing doesn’t look precise enough to really blend in the corners of your nose and along your hairline without making a mess. If you’re a professional makeup artist, I think brushes are still the way to go.
There’s just really no excuse for this device to exist. There’s really no excuse for ANY of these items to exist. But I’m kind of glad they do, because I like making fun of them.
Until next time, yours in snark.