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I love weddings. The flowers, the glamour, the food, the cake . . . all of it! I used to have to subscribe to Martha Stewart Weddings magazine to get my wedding fix, but thanks to our digital world, now I can have wedding photos waiting for me every day in my RSS newsfeed. (And on the Martha Stewart Weddings website, and on Pinterest, and on Instagram…)

I recently started following Style Me Pretty, a wedding blog that showcases photos submitted to them by wedding photographers. Like those friends you have whose boyfriends (or girlfriends) all share the same physical and personality traits, SMP definitely has a “type.” They prefer outdoor affairs with lots of DIY details, and the photos are always gauzy and over-saturated with natural light. They’re generally beautiful photos, but come on, feature something different every once in a while.

But I digress. The existence of SMP is not the Sign of the Apocalypse I speak of. (Neither is the truly atrocious sentence construction and spelling used by some of the brides and photographers who submit write-ups to accompany the photos. God help us all.) No, today’s Sign of the Apocalypse is something they recently featured as a giveaway: wedding flashcards. I urge you to take a moment to click on that link, or this one, which takes you directly to the minimalist website for “Learn to Speak Wedding: Flashcards for Beginners.”

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Now, I realize that not everyone shares my obsession with weddings. Having read wedding magazines pretty consistently for the past 15 years, I have acquired a certain familiarity with the terminology. However, these are weddings we’re talking about; not brain surgery, not robotics, not rocket science. There are no scientific, technical, or Latin terms involved.

Your first thought upon seeing “MOB” may not be “Mother of the Bride,” but if you have some context, and even a modicum of deductive reasoning ability, you could probably figure it out with a few seconds of thought. For instance, one of the flashcards is for “OTT,” which I never heard of (it’s really more “youth-speak” than “wedding-speak”). But I thought about it for a minute, and realized it probably means “Over the Top.” Kind of appropriate, because this whole wedding flashcards concept is pretty OTT, if you ask me. (Don’t even get me started on the card that says “STD.” If you abbreviate “Save the Date” as “STD,” you’re beyond all help.)

The woman who thought of this genius idea, Annie Lee, is a wedding planner who thought these cards would be useful to “help familiarize novices with wedding culture and have them sounding like natives in no time.” First of all, no one is a “native” of wedding culture. It is not a country, and you are not learning that country’s native language. From what I can tell, the cards consist mostly of idiotic acronyms for phrases that don’t really need to be abbreviated and words, like “chignon,” that have an actual meaning in real life, not just in terms of weddings.

Second of all, you know where I go when I don’t know what something is and want to find out? It’s called THE INTERNET. Maybe you’ve heard of it, Annie.  I Googled “OTT” and discovered that in addition to being a British music producer and a water quality company, OTT is in fact an acronym for “over the top.” Thanks, Urban Dictionary and Google. You saved me $29.95 on flashcards.

Really though, kudos to Annie Lee for having the lady-balls to charge people 30 bucks for pretty cards filled with nearly useless information that is readily available elsewhere for free. And for somehow suckering SMP, Martha Stewart Weddings, The Knot, Colin Cowie Weddings, and a whole lot of other industry purveyors into featuring this nonsense.

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